Hot job in China: official cheerleaders

While in Japan my main connection to the news was my Pop's Daily Yomiuri, which is a crap newspaper if ever one existed. The headlines are convoluted and grammatically horrifying; its front page is apparently selected by a committee of old Japanese dudes who have no clue what makes for relevant news to an international audience. Take the closing of a popular restaurant in Osaka, which somehow merited above-the-fold coverage in the English edition. Who gives a poop?

Its saving grace is its inclusion of selected articles from the Washington Post, Guardian and (ahem) TIME. One time the paper reprinted some garbage I had written for TIME's Asia edition, and I swear my father was prouder of that one clip than anything I've ever had published. Including my book, which I dedicated to him. What can you do?

Anyway, the Yomiuri's selection of articles from finer publications being highly suspect, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised at the inclusion of this important item from the Washington Post that says China is training hundreds of thousands of people to cheer at the Olympic games this summer.

They have been taught when to roar their approval and why not to boo other teams, especially those from onetime enemy countries. They will be assigned to events based partly on the decibel levels desired, organizers say.

Now, now, boys, before you get all hot and bothered:

Visitors to Beijing should not expect to see armies of Chinese 20-somethings in communist-red tights. The cheerleaders are more likely to look like a sorority of grandmothers, wearing matching T-shirts and equipped with props such as flags, handkerchiefs and "cheering sticks," inflatable, oblong plastic balloons that generate thunderous applause.

But China's already got an all-star squad. Why not hire this squad of overweight, bald Chinese men, wowing the crowd at this pro basketball game? Who needs cheering sticks when you've got belly jiggle?